I Cannot Drive a Vacuum Cleaner to Work

Preface

Ok, this adventure is just too good to pass up.  I’m actually thinking about writing a comedic novel about door to door salesmen who are vampires.  I want to say this: The product was good; the method of selling it was not.  On top of that, we weren’t going to buy it to begin with.  I’ve gotten way ahead of myself.  Let me back up.  Sit back and enjoy.

Shave and A Haircut

We had gotten home around 6pm and there was nothing unusual about this.  The drive-by mail check; the neighbors kids playing outside; all things nominal.

We headed inside to begin our ritual of changing into comfy clothes and begin dinner.  Not five minutes into our routine, there is a knock on the door.  It’s suspiciously ‘friendly’.  It was the ever so infamous ‘shave and a haircut, two bits’ knock.  The neighbors don’t knock like that.  Family doesn’t knock like that either.  She and I looked at each other as if to ask “who wants to look behind the door?”  What horrors awaited us?  There was only one way to find out.

Upon opening the door, there was a slightly bewildered looking gentleman holding a can of Febreeze.  The first thing he asks is if was a bad time.  I said “Yes, actually it is.” Thinking that was the end of the transaction.  Oh no, it wasn’t.  He said they were in the community offering free carpet cleanings and giving out free gifts; This would explain the Febreeze.  I was hesitant and thought to myself “OK, they’re a cleaning service; I’ll get his card and he’ll be gone.”  So I agreed to let him ‘have a look’ at the carpet.  He then responds “OK, I’ll get my stuff.”  That can’t be good.

She has this look of “NOOOO” on her face as if she just found out her dad was Darth Vader.  I’m already dreading seeing this guys ‘stuff’.  A moment later there’s another knock on the door.  And now, let me explain what stuff is.  Stuff is usually inanimate,  yes?  Stuff is blocks, dirt, clothes, etc.  Well this guy had some special stuff because his stuff had legs and could walk.  Oh wait, right, it was another dude.  What?!

So now these two guys barge into our house and I see it right off the bat: a box that reads KIRBY.

You’re Fired!

So here we are, in our messy house, in our messy clothes and these two salesmen have infiltrated.  Like vampires, we’ve let them into the house.  Problem is we can’t kill salesmen trying to make a buck, damn.  So the first guy, we’ll call him Guy, says “OK, Bob here is going to clean this floor for you and  I’ll be back to pick him up.” Wait, what? Guy says that Bob will help us pick up the floor and clean it because “that’s his job”.  They promised only 15-20 minutes.  Yeah, right.

OK, five minutes ago we’re relaxed and about to cook dinner.  Now we have two strangers hocking their damn vacuum cleaner on us.

Well, Bob gets started into the routine.  We know how it works.  They spend several minutes assembling the damn thing.  Whilst assembling the damn thing they ask questions like ‘How does dirt get into the carpet?’ and ‘Why do you buy a vacuum cleaner?’  What kind of dumb ass questions are those?

Look, hey, Bob, I know your vacuum is five or even ten times better than mine but mine is ten times cheaper.  See how that works?  Math, Bob, math!

So we give the standard ‘dur hur’ answers of: it comes from the outside; to clean our carpet.  What are we supposed to say;  The magical dirty fairy visits us every night and we use the vacuum cleaner to fight him off?

While assembling he also noticed some smudges on the unit.  He then proceeds to flaunt his managerial status and say “I’m going to find out who did this and let him know he is fired”.  Good job, ass.  You’re in our house, at dinner time, complaining about how a guy left smudges on your damn vacuum? Rich!  Granted we let him in but they lied to get in!

The Amazing Technicolor Cheese Wedge!

They put these little white filters into the machine and repeatedly show you how much dirt is in your carpet.  What is funny is that he ran the thing, not kidding, over thirty times in one spot.  It was still getting dirt up.  Now, correct me if I’m wrong but if this thing is so great, why is it still getting dirt up after that many passes? Is our carpet just a cesspool of disgust? (ok possibly) Or does this beg the larger question: Is it even possible to completely, 100%, clean your carpet to look brand new?  I’m going with the latter and my answer is: NO!  Just not possible.  Very clean? Yes.  Perfectly clean? No.  Worth $2500+? Possible, if it isn’t a couple of jerks pitching the sale.

Well we’re getting rather irritated at this pointed but we’re courteous and nice people.  That’s not always a good thing as we tend to be door mats but that’s fine.  Why? Because we take a certain glee in knowing his efforts will be entirely in vain.  Sure, demonstrate all you want.  Ride the damn thing to the Moon! We won’t buy it.  Ok, to the Moon, maybe.

The kids are also providing much in the way of being absolutely zany and curious.

After some thirty minutes of this, we catch a break and my phone rings.  It was a friend asking about attending an event sometime in March.  I leave the room and I’m chatting as I hear the guy say something like “OK, I understand, I’ll give Guy a call…”  What’s this?  He’s leaving?  Score!

Turns out the kids were acting nutty and she said we had to fix dinner or they’d turn into gremlins or something.

Awkward…

So now we have to wait for Guy to come back and pick Bob up.  What kind of crap deal is this?  “OK, I’ll drop you off at a random house and go to IHOP for a short stack, see ya!”

I’d begun to prepare dinner and further extend the message of GO AWAY.  He’s just sitting around chatting it up with us.  This is weird.  We just totally canned the deal and now we have to be nice.  I’m sure he was irritated.  Well what the hell do you expect, Bob?  We’re trying to have a nice evening with the fam and you try to get us to finance something we don’t need.  Yes, we’re not happy either.

Some ten minutes later Guy shows up and off Bob goes.

So, here is what it comes down to:  We’re buying or making or burning or acid etching a sign into some part of our property that says “NO SOLICITING”.  If we want something, we go buy it.  It’s a simple concept!  From now on, anyone knocking on our door will get the picture a lot quicker.

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