iRiff

UPDATE: This is the finished version of this riff.  I’ve decided to move on to another short film about how OCD kids from the 1950s always have to dress and appear perfect.  So this one is as good as it’ll get.  The movie audio ducks when I speak which is what the last one didn’t do.  I also hit most of the jokes this time with a couple of ad libs.  All in all, pretty happy with it.  Being my first and all…

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#2 most vile place in the house

The kitchen sink drain system is #2.  The toilet flange (the thing that the toilet is bolted to) still being a solid #1.

So, two days ago our kitchen sink clogged or at best was draining very slowly.  After saving the kitchen from an over flowing dishwasher and the like, we had to act.  We tried various things, none of which worked.  Draino, more draino, a pipe snake and even a motorized automatic pipe snake thingy.  Nothing worked!

So, the 3rd trip to Home Depot was going to be the last one.  I’d read about this thing called Kleer Drain but was skeptical.  Simple concept: blow the clog out.  What?  Yes, using a CO2 cartridge you literally blast the clog with high pressure water/gas.  Well, we got one and enough chemicals to be put on a federal watch list too.

First was the Kleer Drain device.

Round 1: Fight!
Blasted the clog with a jolt of compressed air/water.  Made a lot of noise.  Very cool to use.  Nothing doing though.

Round 2: Fight!
Blasted again with another large bang.  All the pipes shook at the force of the shot.  Nothing yet but I hear signs of something going on down below.

Round 3: Fight!
I didn’t relent after the second shot.  I immediately went to work and gave it another kick in the pants.  BOOM! This time, we hear it, wait for it… SLURPY DRAINING NOISES!

VICTORY IS MINE! *crowd goes wild*

So, bottom line? Kleer Drain RULES.  I guess it won’t work in every situation but dang if it didn’t work for us.

Here is the website

The Umbrella Puzzle

Lately the strangest thing has been happening. We’ve been seeing umbrellas laying around here and there. It used to be shoes that were laying around then again they still do. So, is it a coincidence that we’ve seem them laying around? I think not! I shall explain.

Umbrellas, what do we use them for? We use them when it rains and that’s about it. The functional purpose is to keep small lightweight forms of precipitation from hitting our bodies. There ARE sun umbrellas but they’re a different technology adapted from smaller umbrellas. Technology, you say? Yes, do you think that Mary Poppins was magical? Flip no! She was a frappin’ alien! That was NOT a spoon full of sugar either but that investigation is being blocked by a bit of red tape. Not to worry about, we’ll… I’ll get to the bottom of it.

So, these “umbrellas” that are laying around are obviously travel devices that are spent. The technology is so advanced that they appear to take on a form of being built by human engineering. I’m onto it though! Just like Tang and Velcro and those other things we “developed”.

Oh crap, I hear helicopters again. Time to retreat to the basement.

-out!

Everyone loves lists

So here’s a frickin’ list.

I call this, the Laws of Lewis (yes, that’s LOL)

1. If you take food into a room and someone comes in behind you and asks if something is burning then yes, it’s your food, no matter how tasty it is.
2. When you find one particular sock it’s against the law of socks for you to find another match sock in a pile of socks.  Any such match sock that is found prompty after finding the first sock is exiled from the sock community.
3. When you are browsing the internet and looking at something you shouldn’t be looking at it’s the law of the internet to send a probe to investigate.  Probes can be your boss, a co-worker, your wife, even your cat can act as on by knocking something over and scaring the crap out of you.
4. It is the law of the road for a car that is approaching at a slow pace to be followed by a car approaching at a faster pace when you wish to cross a road.  If following car is NOT going faster it is their inherent responsibility to do so.  Failure to do will get that car exiled from the “none shall pass” car club.
5. If you’re trying to make a list you will always get stuck trying to figure out what to add to it.  Despite the fact you had a head full of great ideas, you will draw a blank and start to fantasize about panties with union jacks on them.
6. If there is a room full of people talking about a TV show, sorry that just happens to be the ONE TV show you do not follow.  All subsequent conversation will proceed to sound like the teacher from Peanuts.
7. If you get a sweet new job with awesome perks, they will end the day of your starting or as early as a week prior and if you’re lucky as late as 2 weeks after you start.  Yes, perks are allergic to you.  It’s a wonder you can even get a job with that track record!  In addition to that, the job that you just left will put into effect the sweet perks that you just lost out on.  You will be constantly reminded of the aforementioned perks by a former co-worker.
8. If you’re ever promoted to a position which, in the past, had gotten a notable end of year bonus then they will stop giving them that year.  Oddly enough if you’re promoted to an even higher position and a colleague is promoted to your former position, they will reinstate the said bonus for your prior position and stop giving them for your newest position.
9. If you have a great idea, forget it.  Someone else already thought of it, in fact about 100 people probably did and 10% of them took it somewhere and made it awesome, each unaware that they are competely unoriginal in the first place.  Then again, if you make lots of coin, who cares right?
10. If you see something completely random and out of place somewhere, never ever move it.  Ever.  If you do, then you’ve fulfilled a prophecy.  Shortly after moving the item you will be visited by an Angel of Doom.  Failure to replace the item will cost you your soul and adequate change for something out of the vending machine.  If they’re out of Snickers, God help you.  Angels of Doom have a taste for them.  Don’t move the item.

StupiCom

One by one

One by one
They fall away
As if to say
Forget it now

You don’t exist
Leave my space
Rest your presence
The normal restraint

Restrain, Release, be safe now, until next time
Then it starts all over again, restrain, restrain

Would rock if there were some actual music to go along with this… *sigh*

Don’t ask

Einstein, evolving monsters, shape-shifters, large bells, relativity, destruction of a planet, laws of physics, defying reality, traversing long time scales in moments, uncovering hidden secrets through a living earth, preserving the past, present and future, staying busy, always looking over your shoulder, informing enemies of their weakness, educating a species on thermodynamics and gravity, outside of time but not beyond it’s reach

This all means something, I promise

The Bow That Got It’s Wish

That day as we cleaned up in our basement, rummaging through boxes of unending junk, I found a bow.  It was red, shiny and unused.  It was by itself in this box of doo-dads and had never been used.  I wondered how it got into this box but I put it aside and kept digging through things.  I put the bow up onto a rack and it sat there for some time. 

Days passed. 

Weeks passed.

The scenery in the basement hadn’t changed much.  We’d been clearing out space for a freezer and some fitness equipment.  One of which was a late Christmas present;  a set of cast iron dumbells.

I lugged the dumbells down the stairs and placed them on the rack I’d assembled the night before.  I looked at the overall area and felt satisfied.  I turned to head back upstairs and the bow caught my eye.  I walked over to it and looked at it.  I picked it up and looked at the dumbells.  I removed the paper exposing the adhesive and placed it on one of the thirty-five pound weights.

At last, it had fulfilled it’s purpose.

The end.