Daily update

Weekend was decent.  Made it to the gym.  Didn’t eat super but didn’t eat bad either.  Shoulder got sore yesterday but seems better today.  Will try to gym this evening.

Piss off!

I got to thinking this morning, about things.  I have a lot of great things going for me (wife, two healthy children, job, loving family).  Added to that I do have things that bring me down (me, myself and I).  I’ve had things bring me way down.  I’ve been depressed.  I’ve had bouts with severe anxiety.  I tried medicine once but hated it  (wellbutrin).  I refuse to take a substance to deal with who or what I am.

In the space between that last paragraph and this one I realized that I made myself into what I am.  All of my problems aren’t a result of someone or something being against me.  I’m against myself.  I loathe misery but I can’t seem to escape it sometimes.  I’m surrounded by people that love me but I feel so alone sometimes.  My mind is always out there, somewhere.  I fear the unknown but I’m drawn to it.  I try to get away from it but I keep ending up back where I started.

I had a conversation yesterday regarding when I was happy or content with my life for a sustainable period of time.  That’s just it, with life around me, I am content nearly always.  “My” life is riddle with mental obstacles like sand spurs on a beach.  I want to be there but I keep stepping on these damn annoying things.  The last time I was content with myself would be years ago, many years.  I really hate that.  I want to be content with myself now and for the vast majority of time.  80-90% of the time would be great.

As a creative type person I have an overactive imagination and I beat myself up with it.  I could probably be arrested for mentally abusing myself.  Hmm, free meals… then again I’m not gonna be anyone’s bitch!  “What are you in for?” “Self inflicted mental abuse.” Oh yeah that’ll get your ass kicked in prison.  Remember when Superman gave up his powers to be with Lois Lane? [Superman II] Yeah I sometimes wish I were a dull ass person with no ability to create.  the thing is that I’d regret losing it, I know I would.

Well that’s enough ranting for now.